Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Our Trial by Fire

Let's rant about life, because this is my therapy.

All my life, I feel as if I were given an easy path. I was the baby in the family and pretty much always got what I wanted. Besides having my father pass away at 20 years old, my trials have been pretty pathetic, but I have always had faith in God and have always stayed true to my beliefs.

Fast forward 5 years, Rachel and I have been married for 4 years and have been trying to have kids for 3. Rachel's goal in life, the one thing she has always told me she has dreamed of being, is a mother. After 3 years with no success we decided something must be wrong, so we went to the fertility center. From the beginning I told Rachel that I hoped I was the one with the problem, thinking it would be easier to fix me than to fix her. Well after the first semen analysis my hope became a reality. I was awarded the results of a zero sperm count. For those who may not understand what that means I'll explain. Most of the time, infertility in men, come in the form of a low sperm count, and most of the time it's treatable. Zero sperm count on the other hand is bad news. It means either 1. The boys aren't producing any, or 2. There is some kind of blockage in the tubes. But not all hope is lost, so far, all signs of testing point to blockage. So what's stopping us from extracting those suckers? Money.

To be 100% sure it's blockage we need to do a biopsy ($2000) then if we find out they are swimming around down there we have 2 options. We can fix the blockage ($7500) with possible complications for me in the future or we can do In Vitro ($12,500-17,000) with no guarantee of success. Most of this will be done with no help from our insurance #thanksObama. So with Rachel and I both making about 15 dollars an hour, we are looking at a minimum 2 years before we can look at fixing our problem. 

So, here is what I'm going through, as I can only speak for my feelings I can only imagine how Rachel feels. So here I am, the man who can't make babies and worse than that, the man who is standing in the way of his wife living out her dreams. My wife, loves me more than anyone, and she will never hold me accountable for that, but I will always know deep down, that I caused her to miss out on that experience.  Do you know what it feels like to grow up dreaming of having little read heads calling you dad, only to have that ripped from you? Why would God make a commandment to multiply and replenish the earth, then make it nigh impossible to fulfill his commandment due to a technicality. I mean, He can help Moses part a the Red Sea, He can create the earth in 7 days, He can feed an entire gathering with a couple loaves of bread, but He can't allow my wife and I to bring His children down to earth without doing it through some scientific procedure.

At the end of the day I'm not mad at God, I'm just confused. All things are for our good and our trials make us or break us. God has a plan for Rachel and I, whether it be adopting, being patient and saving money, or just plain teaching us to be humble. I just wish I could be miraculously healed, not because I want to have kids, but because Rachel doesn't deserve this trial. She should be able to be a mother, to her own child. Who knows, maybe God will bless us in ways we could never imagine, and I hope he does. Till then we will be faithful and patient. We will keep his commandments and continue to shrug off the constant barrage of questions and remarks such as, "When are you guys gonna have a baby?" and "Wait till you have kids of your own, then you'll understand." because we know they mean no harm, it's just hard to be constantly reminded that you can't have what you desire most.