Why I can't just be happy and content. Does life have to be such a freakin roller coaster. I guess I make my life that way, when in reality its not what I want. I've seen others who can be satisfied with things the way they are but there is always just something missing in my life I guess. I can't be content at work with the hours I get. I always have to argue. I can't be calm with other parts in my life, they have to be perfect. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME!! Can't I just be happy. I mean things are good. I have good friends and things are working out in a good way to help me prepare for my mission but yet I'm not happy. Something is missing and I just can't freakin figure it out. I try to take my mind off it but yet here I am at 1:30 in the morning confessing my soul to a useless internet site. Maybe my hopes are that someone will read it and tell me whats wrong. A random stranger if at best.
Why do I complicate things. Take them out of the bounds they are comfortably set in and contort them into realms in which I see fit. Can I not let something be? Why must I hang up the phone always wondering Why? Why can't I just let it be. Things are supposed to work themselves out. Life is supposed to fall into place when it seems like lifes standing still and I'm doing all the work. I try to controll whats uncontrolable.
I feel like I'm stuck in a movie where the main character is lost. He has just overcome something that he thought was never possible. He tore down a wall that was thought to be industructable. But now he looks at the ruble and past the wall with nothing in front of him but a blank canvas. He has the choice to paint what he wishes, but no paint. It's supposed to paint itself people say. Well then it needs to hurry up and do so because I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of waiting for life to unfold. I am to impatient for that. I would never wish for my life to pass me by, but I wish I could experience it faster. Come what may has become a sentence that is voodoo to me. I hate that. Lets see what happens. Here's an idea, I think life is completely controlable, just not by yourself. You can't control the actions of others but you can sure influence them. Two people who work for the same goal have twice the chance to get what they desire. I think that this whole, you have no control over life and time is bull. Watch me control my life to how I want it to be. I know some things will just happen but I have the agency to control what I have to do with my future.
What the heck is wrong with me?